Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Twenty Eighteen Taught Me.....June

Second Half.....


Secrets are not synonymous with shame....

There is nothing wrong with sharing. Being an open book for others to see, hear, touch and feel is a personal choice, and for some extremely fulfilling. It is not surprising it is difficult to function at your best when things are not being said, and it typically all centers around shame. We are taught the things we should keep private, are also the things we should be embarrassed by if others knew. Many's "secrets" are also many's shame. Initially, I rested in a space where I held in everything from my own skeletons to the trespasses of my loved ones. I was taught it was the appropriate way, the smart way. It lead to a place of contempt, and in return speaking readily and freely. However, now, it suits me to live in the sweet spot. A place where my secrets truly fit the uncomplicated definition of "things conducted without the knowledge of others". There is no shame and I always speak my truth, typically to anyone with ears whom I regularly engage. The fun part though, being wiser about who I spend my time engaging these days.


Seek intimacy not validation....

Emotional health is scarce. The delicate balance between self-love and dependency have a smudged line, and I am no longer sure there ever was one. Friendships, romantic relationships, even some familial relationships are measuring sticks for how much one calculates their own worth. It is all about what one can do to fulfill the voids within you, and not what the two of you can do for each other. The focus is on needing the endorsement of others versus their support. There is a special transformation which takes place when you give to another and there is reciprocation. Keep expanding from closeness, not affirmations.


Culture is lived, not adopted....

When I step my feet onto farm land with chickens clucking, and and my uncle's Juke Joint up the road in Philadelphia, Mississippi I know who I am. When I drive down Outer Drive peaking past 3232 Warning in Detroit, Michigan blasting Temptations "Silent Night" during a Christmas holiday I know from where I came. There are no dashikis or jollof rice in my childhood, nor in my present day. The culture of Africa, although beautiful is not mine. Pretending the stains of horrific institutions such as slavery and possibly placage did not alter the people from which I descended is no less than disrespect. It is like pretending marriage is the same after an infidelity. Going back to what it was before is not possible. The culture which emerged is the one in which I identify. The culture of Black Americans. I do not have to align or search for a culture, as I have had enough talks with my elders to know it. There is a museum with seven floors of my culture in D.C. A perpetuation of the idea that as a Black American I do not know who I am is yet another mental prison to keep me in fragments. I am whole, and there is nothing wrong with acting as such.


Quality over fear....

I think of loved ones who came before me, those who made it past a century, and those who barely cleared fifty, and I find myself wondering "did the centenarians get any more out of life than any of the others?" I know as a person who does not have children my perspective on how long I need to inhabit this place we call Earth is a bit altered, but the obsession with the length of our lives at times seem silly. People are doing things they hate, and depriving themselves of things they love all for an uncertain assurance of a few more years of the mediocrity they call life. Living a life with the highest of quality is not an unfamiliar concept or lesson, but keep repeating it, because sometimes the risk of a full enjoyable 55 is worth more than a miserable 103. As my cousin Michael would say, "Live honey, Live"


Manipulation does not deserve a response....

Compassion is a gift, not owed to anyone. I believe anyone who truly values the people they love, want to be there for them in their time of need. However, the methods in which we chose to be there for people are our own to decide. Select friends, and cultivate relationships with others who align with the person you face everyday in the mirror. People who have respect for one another honor their loved one's ways of expressing themselves. Anyone who tries to force another person into their design, especially in an underhanded way, does not deserve ANYTHING that person was willing to give.


There is always a bigger picture....


Distractions, whatever they may be, have a funny way of not only keeping us from moving forward, but creating a bubble of amnesia around the things we left undone. We continuously wrap ourselves into the mishaps of the moment, while the project as a whole falls to the wayside. We drill down on the example, instead of listening for the moral of the story. Focus on the world you are trying to create, not the one which already exists. Look up from the details, or risk losing it all.