Scarred

Above my right eye, just below my eyebrow, is a small groove where hair no longer grows. My little groove thing started out as a huge gash, but over time like any wound it healed. I couldn't have been more than 5 years old and although I still didn't know which shoe was my left and which was my right, I knew I loved Wonder Woman. I had a Wonder Woman headband, a bracelet, and of course my all time favorite, Wonder Woman underoos. Well after my bath one night, after minimal pleading my mom let me wear my Wonder Woman undershirt and underwear beneath my pajamas. I was so excited. I think I really did believe I was Wonder Woman. So, when my mother asked me to go turn off a lamp in the living room I had no choice but to do it like Wonder Woman. So I yelled out "WONDER WOMAN!" and ran down the hallway into the living room, but instead of stopping in time to do as I was told, I crashed right into the all glass end table where the lamp rested. My father, who was in the next room, rushed into the room to see from where the noise came. He looked at me and quietly said, "Leah, come here." My head hurt from what I believed was the impact, but I was ok, so I rose from the floor and walked toward him. He lead me to the bathroom and began patting my head with a towel. Within seconds my mother walked into the bathroom doorway and shrieked in her already soprano voice, "WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?!?" as unknown to me, blood was actually pouring down my face. As soon as she cried out I began crying and my father looked at her half annoyed and half defeated. The rest of the night involved a trip to the emergency room, stitches and a root beer lollipop for not crying while they stuck a needle through my forehead (I've always had a pretty high tolerance for pain.....hmmm....we could go some other places with that... BUT...I'll save that for another post).

I tell you this story to ask, just like the question about the chicken or the egg, which comes first? The emotional pain/scar or the physical. I know it sounds a little silly because of course, if something hurts physically, you feel it, it hurts, you yell out "Fuck", nothing more to know or tell, right? Well maybe not. Granted, I felt the impact from the crash into the table, but my mother screaming made me more upset than the actual collision did. I felt more pain from the reaction of someone else than I did from how I truly felt inside. I look at my physical scars, some like the scar on my eyebrow are visible for the world, while others are simply between me and my husband. I am not only happy about that, but also grateful. Although many of us, myself included, do not have major burns or surgery scars there are other kinds of physical scars, like mental illness, living with HIV/AIDS or herpes, or more commonly being overweight (And before you get your undies in a bunch, I do realize all weight is not per se a scar, however in many cases it is....hello, anybody ever watch a big little big hell let's go with a medium sized lady named Oprah?) Many living with very real physical scars "feel" completely ok with themselves, however, once revealed to what are suppose to be friends, family, and the rest of the world at large, there are stigmas and judgment, which create emotional pain greater than anything felt physically. At times, some pass on their own emotional hurt to another in a physical way. As a result, you have people who purposely give sexually transmitted diseases to others, domestic violence, and murder. The alternative for some is to physically harm themselves in the form of drug and alcohol abuse, unprotected promiscuity, and overeating. Being someone who is known among her loved ones as one who does not hold her tongue, I know sometimes you just feel as if some things need to be said. Nevertheless, I always welcome discussion if feelings are ever hurt in any way. Not to mention, with the exception of your typical open forums and group discussions, I really don't randomly appoint thoughts to personal situations I am not asked directly about. Opinions and as a matter of fact judgment are natural to us all, but maybe sometimes (or at least every other Tuesday) we should make the effort to think about where our candid comments can lead, because whether we want to admit it or not usually we are the ones who create the monsters we watch on the evening news.

**THIS HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY WFJS....WOMEN FOR A JUDGELESS SOCIETY...A GROUP TELESE SIMPLY MADE UP**

Five People, Five Thoughts

Have you ever wished you could say something to someone, but for whatever reason you know you'll never get the opportunity? Well, I read an article entitled "10 things you want to say to 10 people" and the author took it upon herself to say those things she never was able to say. Now, being the loudmouth I am I don't have many people in my life who do not know exactly how I feel about them, their behavior, their lives, etc, etc. However, even I have some things I've never said. Now I didn't have ten things I wanted to share with 10 different people, however, I did have five people who have left a mark I have yet to share. Now, just for all parties involved and my own sanity's sake I will not divulge any names here. Most of these people are not in my present day life and probably will never even see this. So, if you're reading this and you think it's you, the reality is, it's probably not. I will make a deal with you though. If the person is you and you ask me privately if it is you I will go ahead and clue you in. Deal? Deal. So without further ado here are my five thoughts for five people.

Number One
You scared me then and you scare me now. There is a thin line between an Alpha male and a psychopath, I never knew for sure if you had crossed it. However, in the sick, twisted place that is my mind I have to admit I enjoyed being on the edge of your mania and guessing as to if I would one day become a casualty of that which I was unsure. Your sinister smile is imprinted on my brain and the last time we spoke my pulse raced. I've always stood on the edge, but I suppose due to God's will I have never jumped. I now tell people you were horrible knowing inside I don't believe it. I don't know if our paths will ever cross again but the memory is embedded and the 23 year old young woman I was actually thanks you.

Number Two
Sometimes I hope you feel shame. I have no compassion for you and I know I won't care when you die. I have forgiven as far as my capacity for such an emotion allows. I have tried my hardest to let it go, and to some extent I have, but I can not go without acknowledging, of the billions of individuals perusing this great planet you are the only one I have every truly hated. I hated you for a very long time and even now as I said before I still simply don't like you. You honestly created one of the most pivotal moments in my life and made me a person I suppose I may not have become otherwise, however, I have to say in the very same breath no one has ever made me feel as low as you did. The craziest thing is that you still think I would willingly have any sort of interaction with you. When you found me on Facebook I sincerely wanted to throw my computer at the face staring back at me, but instead I hit delete and just hope that one day I can press delete on the imprint you left on my spirit.

Number Three
I want to help you, but I don't know how. I remember as a little girl I really wanted to be like you. You were popular and I thought you were fly. What was even more phenomenal to me was you were also smart. I felt I only had my intelligence as my one and only attribute back then, and I loved feeling as if being smart was not going to one day stop me from being fly and popular like you. I suppose the world really took you for a spin. I remember you once asked me not to judge you for some of the things you have done and the things that have been done to you. I was honestly shocked. I would never judge you and I hope you know how much I love you, how much you mean to me. Again, I end as I began and say I want to help you but I don't know how, so instead I just pray for you.

Number Four
I wish we could talk. Just talk. We always did that well. You were one of the few people I've ever known to not be annoyed by my loquaciousness AND you actually listened to every word. I would listen to you without anticipating when it would be my turn to speak. (Yes I admit it...I do that) We discussed so much and had so many similar ideas, thoughts and life views. We had so many plans. I can't believe we're no longer friends. I really thought you would be a friend for a lifetime. The reality is you told a huge lie and then tried to make it seem as if I was the fucked up person in the situation. You never were good with taking responsibility for your own actions. I still keep in touch with some mutual friends and I know what state you eventually ended up in and the funny thing is I was living there too at one time. I had no idea you were there. I wonder did you know. I'm actually really glad you're doing ok. I wish you the best but of all the people I'm writing to I hate I couldn't say this in person. We were friends. I miss it.

Number Five (technically five and six, but hey, it happens)
Now this last one is for two people but it has to be combined. You two make me extremely happy already. You both already have stories before your stories begin. Some good, some not so good. But, I can not wait to be in your lives. You'll learn I'm pretty no nonsense and I don't do a lot of foolishness, but I'll always have your back, always. If you need me you'll always know where to find me. I'll make sure of it. I love you both beyond leaps, bounds or measure.